Happier

           I had a whole different blog post that I was working on but I couldn’t seem to make myself satisfied with it and this other idea wouldn’t seem to leave my head.
          I always told myself I’d wait to tell the story behind the reason as to why I wanted to get healthy when I was down a hundred pounds from my start weight but as I said for some reason or another this just wouldn’t leave me for the last few weeks. However I’ve tried to push it back simply for the fact it’s very personal and I have a extremely hard time being this vulnerable. So just bear with me…
         I’ve been reading a lot of weight loss stories this month and for the most part they all kind of have the same thing. They wanted to get healthier either by doctor orders or other reasons. And even though I admire their dedication and strength and completely understand their reasons for doing it I could never really relate to it. See this time last year, hell until march or this year I was perfectly content to live my life alone and eat myself into that 5X sized coffin I was sure I’d be in by then. Not because I didn’t love myself, I just didn’t want to change because of someone else. And I was content with my life then something happened that really changed everything.
        My cousin died. Not from anything related to weight but from a disease that towards the end had basically ravaged her body (or so I was informed) lupus. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around I mean as far as I know most 38 year olds don’t just drop dead for no good reason and even though I knew a little about lupus, I’m willing to admit I specifically didn’t educate myself on it because I didn’t want to know what my cousin went through on a day to day bases not because I didn’t care but because I knew if I knew what she was feeling I’d treat her differently and I  knew that would just piss her off. So I resigned myself to not learn anymore then necessary. Still when she died it was a shock to me, to all of us. What shocked me most though came during the funeral.
         There we were gathered around listening to a minister or whatever he was tell us about my cousin and how she was gone to soon. Then he said something along the lines that my cousin knew she would never reach old age, have children or be a grandmother. I remember sitting in my room that night and thinking about that line over and over. How could someone be so sure of those things. Suddenly everything she did made so.much more since. Partying, adventuring, everything she did she did because she wanted to. I suddenly thought maybe that was why. If you don’t worry about tomorrow then you can give hundred percent to today. When ever I thought of her over then next few months I just kept thinking about the words the minister said. Over and over running through my head.
          Then one day after a shitty day at work I came home sat at my kitchen table and just cried. Cried for the life I had, cried for the cousin I lost. Cried until I didn’t think I had anything left. Then once I got myself together I had a conversation with myself a very honest and emotional conversation that would have lead to more crying I’m sure. And at the end of it I asked myself out loud ‘when is the last time you were happy? Not content, not just going through the motions of life. When were you last honest to god happy?’  And the sad part was I couldn’t really remember. Sure I had, had happy moments the past couple years but not consistent happiness. ‘OK so what would make you happy?’ The truth was I wanted to write again, and sing and paint and all the things that I hadn’t realized I had stopped doing until that conversation. I want to travel and see the world and appreciate the things I find in my own neck of the woods. I wanna breath fresh air and look up at the stars and take pictures with an actual camera. I wanna see the beauty in other people and appreciate people like I hadn’t before. I wanna live. ‘Well you wanna do all you have to make some changes, you have to be selfish and as much as you don’t wanna here it I think it’s time you get healthy and even if all you ever get is down to 300 or 200 or whatever at least you know you did everything you could. But you got to do something or I think that list is just always gonna be a pipe dream and I don’t want to sit in my rocker when I’m 70 with regret on my mind.’ So it was decided, the next day I started. And yes I trip and fall occasionally, yes I still indulge in the occasional cookie or whatever. I don’t deprive myself a food I just don’t allow myself to try to feel all the feelings I have with food. And I got to tell you so far I’ve never been happier.
          So this is the point were someone would give an inspirational line about never giving up your dreams or something like but I’m not one for telling people what to do. But all I will say is if you can’t remember the last time you were happy maybe have a conversation with yourself and figure out what it that will make you happy and go for it and go hard.

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