Since its October or as I like to call it Halloween season I though the perfect post would be about my fears. I have pretty basic fears like clowns and bugs but I feel like a few of my fears are a perfect match to my personality, see I’m a weird mix of realist/cynic and Optimistic/dreamer. This is probably why I’m so in my head because I have to think about every point real or not but, that’s a different problem entirely.
So if you read my last blog post here. You know I have a bit of an obsession with the ocean. I love it, I can honestly say it’s the one place that I am A: the happiest and B: the most relaxed. It is also one of my biggest fears. See I’m terrified of large open bodies of water, which isn’t too uncommon I suppose, but I have irrational fears when it comes to bodies of water. I should clarify I love the water; I would swim everyday for hours if I could. And I have no problem in whatsoever swimming in a lake and I love to sit on the beach or on the bank of a river just listening to the water roll in but if you ask me to set one foot in an ocean or river we are about to have an issue. I am irrationally afraid of both of them. I start out confident in my ability to put my feet in the ocean just let the waves lap at them a little. But almost as soon as it starts moving towards me I have this uncontrolled since of dread and I start thinking of every bad thing that could be in that water. Yes including sharks….yes I know OK, I’ve read the statics I watch shark week every so often. I know I’m more likely to get sand lice then I am to actually get attacked by a shark but that part of my brain gets tied up, locked down and never seen from again when the fear part of my brain takes over. And suddenly the thought of putting my feet in that water sounds like a horrible, horrible idea. That’s not to say I’ve never been in the ocean, I walked hip deep into it once, with my friend and cousin standing like a human wall in front of me. Yes I’m willing to sacrifice people for my own safety, as I like to tell people I took a vote between me and you and I like me better. And I’ve been on boats in the ocean and as long as I can still see land I do OK. Take me out where it’s no longer visible and not only do I get horribly motion sick but I also start to have a small feeling of panic. All I can think is ‘great I saw all those shark movies and specials, I’m a fat seal to them.’ Again I know shark attacks are the least possible scenario but in that moment you could logic me to death, it doesn’t stop those thoughts from holding me hostage.
I’m also afraid of the dark…ish. That’s right I’m a grown woman whose afraid of the dark. I’m not so much afraid of the dark as I am of noises coming from dark voids of spaces. I have never for as long as I can remember slept with my closet door or bedroom door open. And why? Not because I’m afraid of burglars or mass murders or something that is totally and completely rational no…I’m worried about demons… I don’t necessarily believe in demons and yet that is the thing I think about when I stare into a black pit that is my closet or hallway or heaven forbid when I realize my foot is out from under the covers. I don’t believe in them but I wanna be prepared in the off chance that they are there just waiting to grab my foot and bite of one of my toes… and yes that is an actual thought I’ve had and yes it’s also OK to roll your eyes in utter embarrassment.
I’d have to say the most irrational fear I have (as if those two weren’t enough) is the fear of needles and it’s not for the reason you think. See I don’t have a fear of the actually action of getting the shots, no that would be to easy. I have a full on panic attack every time I have to get a shot or get blood drawn because my brain has convinced me that if I accidentally flinch the needle is going to snap off the syringe part and get stuck in my body to cause all kinds of nightmarish havoc in there. Yes you read that right. I have actually googled if that’s possible in order to prove to my brain that I’m totally fine and still it doesn’t help.
It doesn’t matter how many talks I have with myself my feelings for these things never seem to change. Does anyone else have fears like this where no matter how much you tell yourself that it’s OK and it’s irrational it doesn’t stop the fear from taking over your whole body?
Photo by Yuriy Khimanin on Unsplash