Do you miss me?
I hate this sentence or any combination of it. This question to me is like when a teacher used to ask me where my father was on parent’s night. Its about to get really uncomfortable for the both of us, because you’re not gonna like the answer and I’m not going to like giving it.
As we already established emotions are my kryptonite and I am an expert at avoiding them. This is why 9 times out 10 when you are having a moment I look really close to a dog hearing a baby cry for the first time. Confused, scared and really wanting someone else to fix it. Which is why when you texted me, ‘I miss you’ you get back a ‘yeah’ or ‘me too.’ It’s the best I can give you and it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care, it’s just who I am. I do however think there’s more to this phrase that trips me up then just simple emotions and not wanting to be vulnerable to another person. I think my biggest issue is sometime I don’t miss you, sometimes I don’t feel the same way and I don’t know how to both not hurt your feelings and not have to actually share mine.
I can hear you and I know what you’re thinking because I’ve asked myself the same thing many times, why don’t you just fake it. Lie and tell that person what they want to hear. It would probably make your life so much easier. And your right it probably would, but the problem is that I can’t seem to lie, that’s an exaggeration…I don’t like to lie. Lying muddles the water and I don’t like being muddled. It’s not from a lack of trying either, in fact I have the perfect example. My mother recently went on a 4-5 day camping trip, leaving me completely alone in the house (which was the best thing ever). On the last day I got the much dreaded text ‘Do you miss me?’ I stared at it for several minutes typed no (the truth) twice then quickly erased it. I knew what she wanted to hear, I knew all it would take was 3 letters, ‘yes’ that’s it, conversation over. I couldn’t, I physically couldn’t do it. I would have love nothing more than to write back ‘of course’ and I tried, believe me I tried, it was right there on the tips of my fingers. I even wrote it out, all I had to do was hit send and then…I quickly deleted it. Now I had a new decision, I could pretend I didn’t get the text or find a way to answer but avoid the question entirely. So what does an emotional crippled do? She types, ‘sure’ sends it and then hides her phone in her room until enough time has passed that she’s sure her mom has turned off her phone for the night.
I know I hurt her feelings. I know this because when she got home the next evening she told me it did over dinner. I listened to her argument holding back laughter because not only am I emotional crippled, I’m a bitch who starts laughing when I’m either A: put in an uncomfortable situation or B: Someone starts whining, there’s nothing funnier than when someone uses their whine voice to complain. In this case it was the second one.
Now I don’t want you to think I’m some emotionless bitch who is brutal honest all the time. I can lie and I can tell you the truth in a way that doesn’t completely wreak you. As long as it pertains to your feelings I will do my best to tone myself down. It’s only when my emotions and feeling are put into play that I turn into a scratched DVD. You’re not sure what happened but you’re sure you missed something.
So if I can impart any knowledge on you it’s this, don’t take my lack of response to your emotions as me not caring, chances are if you are in my life I care greatly for you. I’m just not good with expressing it verbally. So try not to take it too personal and if you do get a ‘yeah’ text back because chances are I probably miss you too.
If you can relate to this check out some of my other post and I hope this made you laugh even just a little bit. Until next time.