I’m a very internal person. 90% of what I think and feel all goes on in an internal, long running monologue I have going nearly 24/7. With me only verbalizing what I think is ‘most important.’ How do I reach the conclusion of what is worthy of verbalizing? Well that answer is simple. I think about it, but not just in a “huh I wonder if I should say it like that?” or “maybe it would be better this way.” You see I am an over thinker.
Now I don’t mean that I have random tendencies to over think important situations, I mean I literally think about everything. From planning conversations to what I’m going to have for lunch, to even what the next blog post will be. If there is a decision to be reached I will likely think about it, possibly for hours. Plot it out almost nearly to the point that I find it easier to just give up then subject myself to the torture of thinking about it any more.
It is 100% hell in my head all day long. When I say I plan conversations I mean I plan conversation. What I should say, what they could/should say and how I would respond to that imaginary responses. I’ve done it for all if not most of my like. This is not to be confused with talking to myself which I also do like a crazy bird lady (that is a story for another day) It’s just something that helps me prepare for social situations and honestly helps with the smart ass comebacks I’m so great at. When I became a teenager I used it as a way to plan conversation with my mom to get results I wanted when I asked for something. This has lead to some interesting arguments including telling her, “I’m so tired of you ignoring my questions when I asked them.” Only to realize I’d never actually asked the questions.
No…I’m not crazy. Though that would make it easier to explain, it would also save me the trouble of having to ever make decisions ever. Because you see if I have something I want to do, something I actually have taken the time to plan out and prepare for I’m perfectly fine, however if you through a random unprepared for question in my face with little time to prepare, my brain literally just flat lines and I spend way to long gasping like fish for an answer that I feel any other person would have no problem answering. Questions like, “where do you want to have lunch at?” as we’re feet away from passing numerous restaurants and/ or fast-food joints or when we’re taking a drive and just before we get to the stop sign asking, “alright right or left?” leave me wanting to rip my hair out because I don’t know. I haven’t had time to talk it over with myself and weigh all my options. Which is why most of the time I just shrug and say, “I don’t know you pick,” it’s easier than us pulling over to the side of the road while I make a damn pros and cons list in my head about if hamburgers are better than tacos.
If you think it sounds like an absolute nightmare to talk to me your probably right but just think how I feel, I’m subjecting the people I interact with, to this on a daily basis. How I haven’t been karate chopped yet I still don’t know…
That’s it for now I guess I have to go off in a corner somewhere and think about thinking until I’m too tired to function and slip into a peaceful coma like sleep.